Brooding mellow!

Just want to escape from everything

Maybe I am weak

So what? If I am

Human adversity seems unending

Feeble I can be

Strong I can be

At times, everything seems to shutdown

Like a spirit fading away

It is Okay, they say

Why did they forget to say, how much is okay and how much is not!

How many times do I have to keep fading away and regain strength

With a false hope of pervasive feeling,

That everything will be fine

I am still Alive!

I wonder! How long does this last?

How many times should I get exhausted and be hopeful of everything

I don’t blame the hope nor exhaustion

I am tired

Of this fallacy

I am tired of reinventing my life

Over and over again

Just to be alive

Just to fulfill the need.

This void seems vast

To keep rekindle joy and experiment one’s potential

To feel nasty pleasure hormones

A irreversible addiction to life

When would this end!

I ask myself 1000 times and answer myself

Only to find pleasure again,

To sleep and wake up tomorrow

To go to work

As if, a blissful ritual appears to be captured only to end miseries of uncertainty.

Unfathomable desire

There he is, walking in the dark

Surrounded by creaking human beings,

That are plaguing the food chain

Insufficient and desparate

Monolithic society

Crumbling and agonized,

Deluded and loss of conscience,

Perishing in vanity.

There he is, walking among them

Unheard by human beings and others

Shivering in the chaos

Conflicted choices of human desires

Burrowing into another territory

Ravaging the basic needs

Wise as a fool

Wicked as a hero

Choice resembling greater good

Only to fall in disparity.

There he is, disabled and stumped

To the lowest ebb

With dark brown eyes and naked

Four legs and a tail

Shuddering at the crossroads

Awaiting meekly

With baffling pain and dearth of pleasure

Seeking nothing but warmth

But shelter, food and belongingness

Seemed like a distant delight

But a judicious choice.

And, here I go

Reminiscing memories

Tired from work, I reach home

I open my wardrobe, only to find my comfort night clothes missing

Then I go around everywhere, searching….

Then, I pick another old one

Knowing that was the clothing, I used to passionately wear and sleep next to him

The smell of the detergent that he used to wash clothes with, remains

With smell, memories didn’t seem to cease

It had more to say

More to feel

It put me back in time, making me smell the clothing over and over again

As if to quench more memories and feelings

As if to relive those emotions

Bringing me joy and pain

As the thoughts subsided

Emptiness grew like vectors of the loss

Ceiling seems to have some answers

Like a ray of hope

Conveying, it is memories.. memories..

Stopping me from the conflict tendency of overthinking

Diverting and ceasing the thoughts, to radically accept

The reminiscing memories, that is what it is

And that is it.

Conflict of pain

When I love you

I want to love you well

Not to break you into pieces

Not to abandon you

Not to leave you flop sided

Like my past did.

I know how that feels

I sometimes fear if I am the right love

I am filled with doubts and confusion

I am filled with dread

Because my past was recent

And the wound is still healing.

Then you came around

Like a secret Santa

Turning my life upside-down

Giving me love

Leaving me stupendous

The past wounds tend to be reframed with new perceptions

How strong can you be

How strong did you become

What didn’t kill you that made you so strong – as Neitzche says

I am in dilemma

Do I deserve this

Do I need this

Do I need love

Hapless I am and scared

Hunted by inner demons that remained past my relationship

Crawling like ants into new perspectives

I am scared that I might accept you because of a inner void

I am scared that I might abandon you

Once I am tired of filling that void

Once the meaning has changed

I  am vulnerable

Your love is too great that I can’t bear to mistake

I  am a failure that I have forgotten how to receive it

What a pathetic human being!

To be in dilemma.

So my love,

Let me figure this out

Thank you for moon and stars

Thank you for love

Thank you for the benefit of doubt

The seed is sowed

Now let me wonder how to grow it

Until then I will bury my love

To safeguard myself and you.

Between you and me

Its night again

Another day to pass by

When I start to think about you

Just before I go to sleep

I think about you.

What are the chances that we would meet again

What are the chances that I would live with you again

It seems like far end planet

That I can only see but not touch

But then again, I have already moved on

I fear going back and to re-live those days that ended badly

I don’t want to take any chances

I am okay now, exploring new things

Meeting new people

Feeling threat sometimes, thinking about what complications can life throw again

Somewhere I feel challenged

Yet there is doubtful fatigue

That I may, someday

Give up again.

I feel scared that I may not survive another tragedy

It’s too much to hold,

To much to take,

Just because life is made fancy

And worthy.

I don’t want to hold because of its beauty

I feel it is Okay

To walk away

To withdraw

It’s easy

Than bearing its unpredictable advances

And, relive again.

Know thyself

When there is sadness that is overwhelming, there is a lockdown thought that is waiting to come out

Waiting to express the frustrations of life

Waiting to end the cycle of self-sabotage

Is suffering worth for humanity?

Or fail to accomplish individuality!

Or unite with hopeless agony

I am talking about the sadness that has little acceptance

I am talking about the sadness that has little motivation

I am talking about sadness that is blamed, criticized for lack of strength

To cope with this insane world

I am talking about sadness that has no interest to trade with this world

I am talking about sadness that feels worthless to fight

I am talking about sadness that exists only in relation to concept

I am talking about sadness that might give up

Its beautiful ugliness,

Its reality

As she is not prepared to gamble

With fleeting trauma and forfeit ego

To tumble over like a solid rock on a hill top

Facing fears, no vacancy of options

Choosing to gamble with this absurd world

Knowing that returning is not worth to live

Only to complete the cycle of life

Here, now or nevertheless

To lead a life safest of fulfilling the absurd choices

To feel threatened and helpless

Not able to raise over fellow human being

To struggle endlessly,

Only to have a Good Ending

Sacrificing one’s nature and living in delusion

Hope seems to be arrived

In the most pathetic success

Brave and dangerous

I have lost myself to an unattainable future

Killing my dreams,

Accompanying banality,

Confined to the life of reality,

Lost in sanity,

Losing my bet on absurdity,

Burying my creativity,

I don’t know!

How long I continue to live in this sublime possessiveness that reality brings into my doorsteps.

I feel dangerous that I might,

One day, kill myself again

To know my worth!