The terrace

Days are passing by, as I am still sitting on the washing stone of my terrace every night

Listening to old country music and smoking cigarette one after the other wondering where am I going and what am I doing?

You see the basic existential questions!

Thoughts are moving like the clouds in the sky, having no aim or purpose just occupying the space and time

The wind that blows also appears to be silenced by the thoughtful words of my mind

The lonely LED bulb glowing in the darkness and the plants that seem to be curious about each others presence

All mellowing down to calmness of the wind

Mosquitoes wandering around the plants, trying to find if there is any presence of warm body

The garden pots with various resourceful kitchen ingredients and beneficial flowers for the God. All encompassed in a variety of illogical names and logo on top of the surface of the pot

A ladder that is painted green silently resting on the wall not being disturbed by anything

An old rusted bicycle covered with dusted cloth resting against the wall not knowing when it will be put to use.

Clothes lying on the years old thin metallic wire slowly gazing at each other with comfort waiting for the sunrise

A bucket of water half filled with a hanging mug on the surface atop wondering when it will flow

Working together in the night are the prideful ants walking one behind the other in the most salient way as though they are on a mission

An earthenware bird bath placed at the corner, on top of a standing boundary wall waiting for the pigeons to absorb

The barking dogs on road, trying to see what they could do tonight for pleasure and entertainment

The fast aparted distance vehicles on the road, all awaiting anxiously to reach its destination

Here I am wondering about various things that lies across me, waiting and relaxing until a thought of sleep arises

Questioning myself, no loss or no gain from the thought I indulge in, only rampant thoughts figuring out its space to express onself

Lo, what a life! To give meaning to oneself and falsify ones thoughts

It really is absurd!

Human race is such an unpredictable evolutionary event

To fantasize and romanticize ones desire and insecurities, to depreciate and forgo ones weakness and courage

Life is a oxymoron filled with variety of furnishing choices

To indulge is to crucify in one’s own existential theater, to ignore is the assest of an optimistic nihilist but to gather and fleet is absurd or unfathomable love

Terrace it is, an entity encompassing a space of its own.

One

There is something in my heart, that is nascent

There is something in my heart, growing bigger and bigger

There is something in my heart, waiting to come out

There is something in my heart, waiting to fully bloom

There is something in my heart, accumulating and accommodating

There is something in my heart, that is shielded from the outside

There is something in my heart, waiting to transcend

There is something in my heart, raw and original

There is something in my heart, alive and indigenous to my soul

There is something in my heart, feeling the universe and engulfing me tightly

There is something in my heart, painful and beautiful

There is something in my heart, that is enduring and calm

There is something in my heart, that is full of colors

There is something in my heart, full of love and kindness

There is something in my heart, dancing and flaunting enchanted

There is something in my heart, carrying the nature’s souvenir

There is something in my heart, that is protecting the self

There is something in my heart, consuming all my perceptions

There is something in my heart, overwhelming and giving me the strength to withstand

There is something in my heart, that is crying out loud

There is something in my heart, waiting to pour out and show its nature

There is something in my heart, core of the akashic fields

There is something in my heart, deep inside and safe

There is something in my heart, surrounded by thorns

There is something in my heart, encircled by high walls

There is something in my heart, devoid of all negative energy

There is something in my heart, that is trying hard to occupy the original self, tainted from all its bearings

There is something in my heart, that knows one day it will come out and become one with oneself

There is something in my heart, that bewitches the shark who seek its nature

There is something in my heart, that is invincible from the soul hunters

There is something in my heart, waiting to come out and shoot

There is something in my heart, waiting to capture

There is something in my heart, there is

Waiting to fly

A ray of hope!

Death

Yes I would like perform death

You maybe wondering what is to perform death

In reality, a preparation before I crucify myself

It is very much required for a person like me

Who am I ?, you don’t need to know

I am very much like you, other and the ones that are foraying invincible

And, why would I prefer to perform death ?

Because of boredom

Yes, you heard it right

I am bored!

Not of the psychological one that finds its redemption through indulgence in activities

But of philosophical one

Yes, it exists

Just like how all things are existing in nature

Original or banal

Dada or surreal

Absurd or nihilism

It’s the fundamental nature of reality

It’s boredom of life rather than irony of living

It is a tendency not because one has experienced all but the fact that one can return to the nascent stage of life

In all means, one move forward and return to where one started

Just like the universe

Involution and evolution!

For every animate and inanimate entity’s, the tendency to rupture is natural

Once again, not because one is broken

Being broken allows existential thinking as one start questioning every aspect of ones’ living

And, that’s how one understand the absurdity of life

Death is not absurd unlike living which is ruled by ones perceptions

Death is a concept

A separate imperative entity

Suicide or harakiri are some of the means of self-annihilation

Death is beyond all

One would perform death when there is bliss

The other would perform death when there is agony

Whereas, the vagrant would perform death when there is boredom

Death in all means ethical of one’s right

Be it for fun, agony, boredom or love

It is alright

Unlike the seven cardinal sins – lust, envy, greed, gluttony, pride, sloth and wrath or the virtues of life

Existence and death are the primary auxiliary of all virtues and sins

Death is not a misfortune nor a suspended animation

Death is innocuous

Inherently like all our feelings and behaviors

Death is questionable but unfalsifying

Like the subject of philosophy

What pity! We humans are spineless

We gather and find,

We move beyond limitations,

There is always an unknown void,

Fallacy of the psyche, that deter the pathway

Here we are once again stuck in the loop of one’s own mind

Unless we conquer the mind, death will always remain as a concept of entropy

Entropy it is,

Nothing changes, nothing moves!

Only the events take place in a nihilistic nugatory

That is all, the universe wants,

To change forms, to transcend and play with one’s entity

What is the gain or loss?

Nobody knows

Neither the existence nor death

It’s all an existential act,

Why the act?

Because we are on the process to become something

Maybe!

So is death, an act

If you find redemption in your act, go for it orelse continue living

But live beautiful,

Chaotically beautiful or harnessing beautiful

Hedonism it is, an act of death.

Am I?

Am I the therapist or are you the therapist?

Why are you healing me?

Why are you so curious about me ?

Shouldn’t it be vice versa ?

Shouldn’t I be analyzing you ?

What gives you the authority to enter my space so charming ?

So thoughtful and honest,

Kind and intellectual,

Transparent and romantic

There is transferance and counter – transferance

I need to rectify the error in process

I need to stop but I am not able to resist you

I am not allowed to be myself, I need to be guarded, I shouldn’t express my emotions nor feelings

I am wearing an ethical crown and I am obligated to perform my duty

I have to bear everything

Whether you displace your anger, project your unresolved emotions or exhibit your hostility

I am made to go through emotional labor even in the crux of my own sanity

Unless there is physical or mental harm

Philosophical harm is not considered inclusive in psychology

Psychology bears it’s own boundaries and limitations

It doesn’t account the mass credibility of events nor the idiosyncratic events

It wants sustainability and cannot take uncertainnity

Even though certain psychological phenomena are all uncertain

It only mentions as ‘other specified and unspecified disorders’

It is nascent and unalsifying the existence of various notions of science, philosophy, spirituality and aesthetism

It only craves for data and anything that lacks circumstantial, statistical and experimental evidence it just negates all other possibilities

And that event becomes an outcast as it is not of psychological orientation

In my view, psychology cannot treat people alone as we aren’t just psychological beings

We are much more than that and how is that one presumes to treat ones insanity through psychology

When the cause of insanity is an integrated aspect of ones philosophy, spirituality, aesthetics,science and others

We humans are holistic beings

We need to unify every field of study and treat an individual

This is why most psychotherapeutic treatments fail

It becomes unreal and fake if it continues to treat

That is why most therapist cannot wear the psychological fascade throughout the years of treatment

Wearing a social mask when your indulging in an conflict of the other, it might minimize the choas but persists

It is alright to break through the ethics, to go insane and crazy

Living in the moment is most important than portraying to be in event

You could say it as existential theater but ‘existence precedes essence’ as Sartre says

So what do you want to do ? Do it, but do it wisely

Let there be gratitude, grace in your eye, love in your breath, kindness in the process, agony in your perceptions and anxiety in the moment, respect for the other and generosity

An event that is fulfilling for both, that leads the way, only if you truly feel that you can revert to normalcy, go ahead

But if your not passionate in your adventure of insanity and is killing you

There you go, make a choice

Choice for self preservation….

What are you looking for?

Go fly!

Half consumed love

Ah! What a half consumed love it is!

Love that was restrained for the sake of a relationship

Love that was held for the sake of intimacy

Love that was continued for the sake of pleasure

Love that was in contact for the sake of intellectual stimulation

Love that was alive for the sake of its presence

Love that engulfed one another for the sake of integrity

Love that perished for the sake of instinctual drive

Love that became transparent losing its I – thou therapeutic relationship

Love that has to be minimized and guarded for the sake of continuing the therapeutic process

Love that was half consumed and felt by the breath of each ones’ pleasure

Love that tells each ones’ stories

Love that gained the cause for each ones’ existence

Love that was ransacked forever

Love that was short and felt by the air and touch

Love that has to be let go or let be

Love that has to be moved away

Love that was necessary for ones’ instinctual cravings

Love that required boundaries and limitations

Love that let to transference and counter- transference

Love that was a logical, absurd, existential, aesthetic, emotional, spiritual, optimistic and nihilism

Love that has to be forgiven

Love that felt survivors guilt

Love that could not find its redemption

Love that could not outlive due to ethical principles of psychology

Love had a message, a song and it conveyed

Love passed through the times

Love that was of short duration

Love was for self preservation

And love preserved it with utmost respect, pleasure and gratitude

Love it was,

A calm solace.

A strangers’ love

I see your eye

A stranger’s eye!

I know you want to feel me, touch me,

Satisfy all your desires

Your looking for an invitation but your are not aware that you have already intruded my space

My space which was surrounded by high walls is now broken

I who is in despair of love and care

I am more prone to anyone, who satisfy those cravings

But no, I would not like to fall in the trap

Fake love!

Love consumed only to satisfy temporary cravings

No! I dislike it

Your married and I prefer to be left aside like passing season

You may see it, feel it and cherish it

Like a fangirl/boy

But don’t come to me anymore

I know you live close by me

I know we work in the same space

But boundaries are necessary

I would not prefer to be called as a work spouse

I have started to have hatred towards you

As your intruding over my boundaries

When I advise you about your wrongdoing, you say I am irresistible

But your not understanding that is your thoughts, emotions and behavior

You need not pour on me

You take control over them

We both need to neglect each other only by growing hatred or else it would be self-crucifying

Yes I have decided, I can’t endure anymore

There needs to be an end

A fake end would not nullify our emotions

There is a need for emotional outplay

We need to let go like the passing cloud

Yes, your just a passing cloud to me and that’s how I want it to be

You may say, I cannot resolve my emotional turmoil and that I am trying to resist the love towards you

But let me tell you

It’s a bad love

Yes, it does exist

Love consumed only by lust and not companionship or passion

I don’t want that kind of love

I want emotions, respect and growth

Not that of sophisticated intellectual play

I don’t like to preserve that kind of love

Yes, for me love is for self preservation

So I use it, to strengthen myself from all my choatic bearings

So is my love not for you!